Last Updated: August 03, 2005 07:45:14 PM
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle.He has two
large bags over his shoulders.The guard stops him and says, "What's in the
bags?""Sand," answered Juan.The guard says, "We'll just see
about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them
apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan
overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but
pure sand in the bags The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags,
hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border. A week
later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and
discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to
Juan, and Juan
crosses the border on his bicycle. This sequence of events if repeated every day
for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him
in a Cantina in Mexico. "Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you
are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I
can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?" Juan sips
his beer and says, "Bicycles."
Two gay gentlemen are walking through a zoo. They come across
the gorillas and after a while they notice that the male gorilla has a massive
erection. The gay men are fascinated by this. One of the men just can't bear it
any longer and he reaches into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabs
him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for 6 hours nonstop. When
he's done, the gorilla throws the man back out of the cage. An ambulance is
called and the man is taken away to the
hospital. Next day his friend visits him in the hospital and asks,
"Are you hurt?"
"AM I HURT?", he shouts, "Wouldn't you be? He hasn't
called, he hasn't
written...
Oriental Cuisine...
A young oriental couple had gone to bed for the night after a long day at their
very hectic restaurant. Being in an amorous mood, they began touching and
kissing each other. Soon they had removed each other's clothing and things were
getting really quite hot. The husband looked down at his wife, with a raised
eyebrow, and asked: "How about some 69?" His wife, becoming quite
angry, raised her voice as she said: "Why do you want beef and broccoli
now?!?"
Two Italian brothers, Guido and Geno, new to America, went
into their local California Employment Office. Guido was interviewed first and
asked what kind of work he was looking for and what experience he had. Guido
replied, "I am a pilot". The interviewer told him he had a job for him
and to go to this address and they will hire him immediately. The second brother
goes in and the interviewer asks what work he does and what experience he has.
Geno replies, "I am a woodcutter". The interviewer says, "I'm
sorry, we don't have anything for you right now". Geno asks, "Why you
have a job for my brother, Guido, and not one for me?"
The interviewer answers, "Well, your brother has much more experience than
you." Geno says, "Why he have more experience? I'm a cutta the wood
and he a pile it!"
A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York
restaurant and notices that the three Japanese business men sitting there are
furiously masturbating. She says, "What the hell do you guys think you're
doing?" One of the Japanese men says: "We are berry, berry
hungry." The waitress says: "So how is whacking off going to help that
situation?"
One of the business men replies:"Menu say 'first come, first
serve'."
Q. How do you make an Italian?
A. Put a black in one hand and a Jewish the other and go "WOP" (clap
hands
together).
Q. What are the two shortest books in the world?
A. The Polish Who's Who and the History of Italian War Heroes.
Why did God give Italians arms?
So their fingers wouldn't smell like their armpits.
Q. Why do Italian men have mustaches?
A. So they can look like their mothers
Q. Why do Puerto Ricans throw away their garbage in clear plastic bags?
A. So Italians can go window shopping.
Q. What's an innuendo?
A. An Italian suppository.
Q. Why is Italy shaped like a boot?
A. Because they couldn't fit all that shit into a sneaker.
Did you hear about the Italian who picked his nose apart to see what made it
run?
Q. What's the definition of a cad?
A. An Italian who doesn't tell his wife he's sterile until she's pregnant.
Q. How do you kill an Italian?
A. Smash the toilet seat down on his head while he's getting a drink.
Q. Why did the Italian staple his nuts together?
A. Since he couldn't lick 'em, he thought he'd join 'em.
Two vampires wanted to go out to eat, but were having a little
trouble
deciding where to go.They were a little tired of the local food in
Transylvania and wanted something a little more exotic.After some
discussion, they decided to go to Italy because they had heard that Italian
food was really good.So off they went to Italy, and ended up in Venice.
On a bridge over one of the canals, they hid in the shadows and waited for
dinner.A few minutes later, they noticed a young couple walking their
way.As they neared, the vampires made their move.Each vampire
grabbed a
person, sucked them dry ... and tossed the remaining bodies into the canal
below. The vampires were extremely pleased with their meal, and decided to
have seconds.Another young couple approached a few minutes later and
suffered the same fate as
the first .. sucked dry and tossed into the canal below. Our vampires are
now fairly full, but decide to get dessert.In a short while, a third
young couple provides just that.As with the first two couples, these
people were also sucked dry and tossed over the rail into the canal.
The vampires decided that they had a marvelous dinner but that it was time
to head back home.As they started to walk away, they began to hear
some singing.They were puzzled ... because no one else was on the
bridge.As they listened, they realized that it was coming from the canal.
They looked over the rail, and saw a big alligator in the water under the
bridge ... feasting on the bodies.They listened as the alligator sang ...
................."Drained wops keep fallin' on my head"..
Finding the Best Bar
An Irishman, an Italian, and a Pole are in a bar, havinga good
time. All agree that the bar is a nice place.Then the Irishman says,"Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there'sa better one.At
MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and
MacDougalhimself will buy your third drink!" The others
agree that sounds like a nice place.Then the Italian says, "Yeah,
that's a nice bar, but where I come from,there's a better one. Over in
Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's.At Vinny's, you buy a drink,Vinny buys you a drink.You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda
drink."Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.Then the
Polish guy says, "You think that's great?Where I come from,there's this place,
Warshowski's.At Warshowski's, they buy you your first
drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then,
they take you in the back and get you laid!""Wow!" said
the other two. "That's fantastic!Did that actually happen to
you?"
"No," replied the Polock, "but it happened to my
sister!"
An Asian guy walks into the New York City currency exchange
with 2000 yen and walks out with $72. Next week he walks in with 2000 yen and
gets $66. He asks the lady why he gets less money this week than last week. The
lady says "Fluctuations". The Asian guy storms out, and just before
slamming the door, turns around and says "Fluc you clazy Amelicans
too!"
Sunil comes to the United States from India, and he's only
here a few months when he becomes very ill. He goes to doctor after doctor, but
none of them can help him. Finally, he goes to an Indian doctor. The doctor
says, "Take dis bucket, go into de other room, shit in de bucket, piss on
de shit, and then put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for
ten minutes." Sunil takes the bucket, goes into the other room, shits in
the bucket, pisses on the shit, bends over, and breathes in the fumes for ten
minutes. Then he comes back to the doctor and says, "It worked! I feel
terrific. What was it?" The doctor says, "You were just missing
home."
Little Leroy went to his
mother demanding a new bicycle.His mother decided that he should take a look at
himself and the way he acts.She said, "Well Leroy, it isn't Christmas and we
don't have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. So why don't you write
a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead."After his temper tantrum his
mother sent him to his room.He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus. Dear
Jesus, I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle.Your Friend,
Leroy.Now Leroy knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (brat). So,he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.Dear
Jesus, I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle. Yours Truly,
Leroy.Well, Leroy knew this wasn't totally honest so he tore it up and tried again.
Dear Jesus, I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle? LeroyWell, Leroy looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what
hismother really wanted.He knew he had been terrible and was deserving of
almost nothing.He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can and went
running outside.He aimlessly wandered about really considering his actions and
depressed because of the way he treated his parents.He finally found himself in
front of a Catholic Church.Leroy went inside and knelt down, looking around not
knowing what he should really do.Leroy finally got up and began to walk out the
door and was looking at all the statues.All of a sudden he grabbed a statue of the
Virgin Mary and ran out the door.He went home, hid it under his bed and wrote this
letter.Jesus, I've got your Mama.If you ever want to see her again, give me
a bike. You know who.
Something To Offend
Damn-Near Everyone. . .
How can you tell the Irish guy is in the hospital?
He's the one blowing the foam off of his bedpan
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
They're hiring.
Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
Because they're not going to work in the future, either.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying, "Yo"
What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.
Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays,
Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a
recipe.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say f**k?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the Cuban national anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."A southern fairytale
begins'Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh*t...
A Texan's Guide to
Life...
Never squat with your spurs on.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's
still there.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog
around.
Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.
There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they
learn their lesson.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Never fart in your sleeping bag.
You know you're
Italian when...
1) You're 5'4", can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day, but you still
cry when your mother yells at you.
2) Your father owns 5 houses, has $300,000 in the bank, but still
drivesa '76 Monte Carlo
3) You share a bathroom with your 5 brothers, have no money, but drive
a$45,000 Camaro
4) Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant and travel agent are all
blood relatives.
5) You consider dunking a pack of "S" cookies in milk a
nutritious breakfast.
6) Your 2 best friends are your cousin and brother-in-law's
brother-in-law.
7) Despite the hair on your back, you still try to impress the ladies
by wearing your "Just do me" tank top.
8) At least 5 of your cousins live on your street.
9) All 5 of those cousins are named after your grandfather.
10) A high school diploma and 1 year of community college has earned
you the title of "professore" among your aunts.
11) You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.
12) If someone in your family grows beyond 5 ft 6", it is presumed
his mother had an affair.
13) There are more than 28 people in your bridal party.
14) You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.
15) 30 years after immigrating, your parents still say
"Pronto" when answering the phone.
16) You are offended when the wedding you attend serves less than 3 fish
courses.
Lunchtime on the Eiffel
Tower...
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Frenchman were doing construction work on scaffolding high
atop the Eiffel Tower. At noon they took their lunch break. The Irishman said,
"Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch
I'm going to jump off of this tower. The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed,
"Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The Frenchman opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich
one more time I'm jumping too."
-- Next Day--
The Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The
Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The Frenchman opens his lunch, sees
the bologna and also jumps to his death.
-- At The Funeral--
The Irishman's wife, weeping, says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned
beef and cabbage, I would never have given it to him again." The Mexican's wife also
weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas, I didn't realize he
hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the Frenchman's wife.
"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "that dumb ass made his own lunch!"
Once there was a prostitute
who had three different rates based on the
following three conditions:
1. $10.00 to have sex on the grass.
2. $20.00 to have sex on the couch.
3. $30.00 to have sex on the bed.
One day, a Mexican approaches the prostitute and slaps a $10 bill on the table. They
proceed to have sex on the grass. Later that day, an American approaches the prostitute
and slaps a $20 bill on the table. They proceed to have sex on the couch.Still
later that day, an INDIAN approaches the prostitute and slaps $30 on the table. Excited to
see such a big spender, the prostitute said, "Finally, a guy with class..." The Indian responds, "Class my ass... three times on the grass."
Chinese Proverbs:
"Passionate kiss like spider's web soon lead to undoing of fly."
"Virginity like bubble.One prick - all gone!"
"Man who run in front of car get tired"
"Man who run behind car get exhausted"
"Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day"
"Foolish man give wife grand piano.Wise man give wife upright organ."
"Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok"
"Man with one chopstick go hungry."
"Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails."
"Man who eat many prunes get good run for money."
"Baseball is wrong.Man with four balls cannot walk!"
"Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it."
"War doesn't determine who's right.War determines who's left."
"Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse."
"Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night."
"Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!"
"Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out!"
"It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it."
"Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!"
"Man who sit on tack get point!"
"Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!"
"Man who lives in glass house should change in basement"
"He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs."
"Man who farts in church sits in own pew."
"Man who leaps from tall building, jumps to conclusion'.
"Crowded elevator smells different to midget".
A young virgin couple are finally wed. Each one is nervous about the impending night, but
neither are willing to admit or ask each other about it. Wondering what to do first, the
young man calls his father."Pop,what do I do first?""Get
naked and climb into bed," his father replies. So, the young man does as he is
advised. The girl is mortified and calls her mama."Get naked and join
him," is the advice from mama, so she complies. After laying there for a few moments,
the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again."What do I do?" he
asks. His father replies, "Look at her naked body. Then, take the hardest part of
your body and put it where she pees!" is the dad's advice. A few moments later, the
girl again calls her mama."What do I do now?" she asks. "Well, what
is he doing?" mama asks. "He's in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet.
A first grade class in Brooklyn comes in from recess. As soon as they get seated, the
teacher, Miss Jones, asks Sarah, "What did you do at recess?" Sarah says,
"I played in the sand box." Miss Jones says, "That's good. Go to the
blackboard, and if you can spell 'Sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked
cookie." Sarah spells the word correctly and gets a cookie. Miss Jones next asks
Morris, "What did you do at recess?" Morris responds, "I played with Sarah
in the sand box." Miss Jones says, "Good. If you spell 'Box' correctly on
blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie." Morris does and then gets a
cookie.Miss Jones then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud, "What did you do at
recess?" Mustaffa replies, "I tried to play with Sarah and Morris, but they
threw sand at me." Miss Jones says, "They threw sand at you? That sounds like
blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write 'Blatant Racial
Discrimination' correctly I'll give you a cookie."
Thanks Officer!...
An Irishman, quite drunk, is driving wildly through the streets of Dublin. A cop,
spotting the car weaving violently all over the city's roads, races after him and pulls
him over. "So, might I ask," says the cop to the driver, "where have you
been?" "Well constable, I've spent a fine evening at Patty's Pub," slurs
the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few
pints." "I did all right, holding my own and all," the drunk says with a
smile. The cop, now standing straight and folding his arms, says sternly, "Did you
know that back at the intersection of Clare and Moyasta, your wife fell out of your
car?" "Oh, thank heavens!" sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I
thought I'd gone deaf."
Three best friends are at the corner bar on a Friday night as usual. One
of them is an Italian, one is Black and the other is Jewish. They are sitting around
drinking some beers, and they make a wager. They bet who can make love to their wife and
make her scream the longest. They agree to return next week and compare. Next week, they
all arrive at the bar at the usual time with smiles on their faces. The Italian guy says,
"I definitely won. I took my wife out to dinner, bought her roses, then took her home
and made love to her. She screamed for an hour." The black guy says, "Man,
that's nothin'. I cooked dinner for my wife, and for dessert I poured honey all over her
and made love to her like never before. She screamed for two hours." The Jewish guy
chimes in, " I got you both beat. I made love to my wife for 3 minutes, pulled out,
then wiped my schmeckel on the curtain. She's still screaming!"
One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go to eat
breakfast.I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella
her I want to piss. She says go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna to piss
onna my plate. She say you better not piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. Later I go to
eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and a knife but no fock. I
tella her I wanna fock. She tella me everyone wanna fock. I tella her you no understand. I
wanna fock on the table. She say better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. I don't
even know the lady and she calla me
sonna ma bitch. So I go to my room inna hotel and there is no sheit onna my bed. I calla
the manager and tella him I wanna sheit. He tella me to go to the toilet. I say you no
understand. I wanna sheit on my bed. He say you better not sheit onna bed, you sonna ma
bitch. I don't even know the man and he calla me a sonna ma bitch. I go to the checkout
and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you." I say piss on you too, you sonna ma
bitch. I gonna back to Italy.
Redneck Rules of Etiquette...
Personal Hygiene:
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in
private using one's OWN truck keys.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live
alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a
woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods.
Dining Out:
When decanting wine, tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise"
the fruit of the vine.
If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers
covering the label.
Entertaining in Your Home:
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners
are.
Dating (Outside the Family):
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go
out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago."
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say
10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the
man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
Theater Etiquette:
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after
the movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they
can't hear you.
Weddings:
Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a
clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special
occasion.
Driving Etiquette:
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and
the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always
has the right of way.
Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask
her to bring back beer.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Tips For All Occasions:
Never take a beer to a job interview.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still
considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
Swedish Ebonics...
It was a very hot, steamy July day in Minnesota. Helga, a hard working Swedish woman, had
just hung the wash out to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went down the street to pick
up some dry cleaning."Gootness, it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked
down Main street.She passed by a tavern. As the cool air rushed out through the open
doorway, Helga thought, "Vy nodt?" So she walked in and took a seat at the bar.
The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink."Ya know,"
Helga said, "it is so hot, I tink I'll have myself zee cold beer." The bartender
asked, "Anheuser Busch?" Helga blushed and replied "Vell fine, tanks, und
how's yer pecker?"
A lady was in the delivery room starting to deliver her baby.As
it made its appearance it was dark and had an afro. The doctor said, "Ma'am, have you
ever slept with a black man?"She said, "Well, yes, but only once." "Once is all it takes" he replied. Then the torso appeared and it was
yellow."Ma'am, have you ever slept with an Asian man?" the doctor asked. "Well, yes" she said, "but only once.""Once is all
it takes," he said. When the legs appeared they were red.The doctor asked her
if she had ever slept with an Indian and she said, "only once" and he replied
that that was all it took.Then the doctor held it upside down and slapped its
bottom to make it cry. "Oh, thank God," she exclaimed "at least it doesn't
bark!"
Jewish Genie Story
An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets
so bad that his camel dies of thirst.He's crawlingthrough the sands, certain
that he has breathed his last, when all of asudden he sees a shiny object sticking
out of the sand several yardsahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of
the sand, and discovers that he has aManischevitz wine bottle. It appears that
there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out
pops a genie.But this is no ordinary genie. This genie appears to be a Chasidic
rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, etc. "Well kid",
says the genie. "You know how it works, you have three wishes." "I am not
going to trust you," says the Arab. "I am not going to trust a Jewish
genie!" What do you have to lose?It looks like you are a goner anyway!" The
Arab thinks about this for a minuite, and decides that the genie is right."OK,
I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."***POOF***
The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen.He is
surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies."OK, kid, what's your
second wish?" "My second wish is that I were richbeyond my wildest
dreams."***POOF*** The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure
chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. "OK, kid, you have one more
wish." "Better make it a good one!"After thinking a few minutes, the
Arab says: "I wish I
were white and surrounded by beautiful women."***POOF*** The Arab is turned
into a Tampax.The moral of the story is:If you do business with a Jewish
genie there's a string attached.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH:
1. He went into his father's business.
2. He lived at home until the age of 33.
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin,
and his mother
was sure he was
God.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH:
1. He never got married.
2. He never held a steady job.
3. His last request was a drink.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN:
1. His first name was Jesus.
2. He was always in trouble with the law.
3. His mother did not know who his father
was.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He worked in the building trades.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK:
1. He called everybody brother.
2. He had no permanent address.
3. Nobody would hire him.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot.
3. He invented a new religion.
A Chinese couple get married ... and she's a virgin.On the
wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her
husband undresses.He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My
darling, I know this is your first time,and you are frightened. I assure you, I
will give you anything you want, I will do anything you want.What do you
want?" "I want number 69" she replies. "You want beef with
broccoli?"
Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was
still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous.
But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and
he'll take care of you." So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his
shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says,
"Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria," says
the mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of
you." So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants
exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony
took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't worry. All good men have
hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you." So up
she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was
missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got
a foot and a half!" "Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother.
"This is a job for Mama."
The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and
was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the
African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that
Russia had to offer. On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said "As
your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian
roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the
gun at your head, and pull the trigger." This phased the African slightly, but he was
a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took
their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers. click click Both chambers were empty, and both
ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief. The African ambassador was much impressed with the
courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due
to visit his country the next year. When the visit came, the African ambassador treated
the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a
private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke "Now it is time for you to
sample our game, African roulette". So saying, he led the Russian into the room, the
only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women.
The African ambassador said "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our
tribes. Any one of them will give you a blowjob - take your pick". The Russian was
not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian
Roulette. He said "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the
danger?" With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered: "One of
them's a cannibal"
The City of Los Angeles
High School Math Proficiency Exam
Name:_______________________________
Gang:___________________________
1. Johnny has an AK-47 with an 80-round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13
times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he attempt before he has
to reload?
2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8-ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to
Billy for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he
doesn't cut it?
3. Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks
will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800-per-day crack habit?
4. Jarome want to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of
cut will he need?
5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4X4. If he has
stolen 2 BMWs, 3 4X4s, how many Chevies will he have to steal to make $800?
6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common
law wife is spending $425 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of
prison, and how many years is he likely to get for killing the bitch that spent his money?
7. If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet,
how many letters can be sprayed with 3 cans of paint?
8. Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage
of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?
9. Thelma can cook dinner for her 16 children for $7.50 per night. She gets $234 a month
welfare for each child. If her $325 per month rent goes up 15%, how many more children
should she have to keep up with her expenses?
10. Salvador was arrested for dealing crack & his bail was set at $25,000. If he pays
a bail bondsman 12% and returns to Mexico, how much money will he lose by jumping bail?
Offensive One-Liners
Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
A: You know she'll swallow.
Q: How does every ethnic joke start?
A: By looking over your shoulder.
Q: What's a Japanese girl's favorite holiday?
A: Erection day.
Q: Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same
day in Iraq?
A: They don't want to wear out the camel.
Q: What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is when you use a feather; kinky is when you use the whole chicken.
Q: How can you tell if a bank robber is gay?
A: He ties up the safe and blows the guard.
Q: How can you tell the difference between a straight rodeo and a gay rodeo?
A: At a straight rodeo they yell "Ride them suckers!"
Q: Which is better, being born black or gay?
A: Black, because you don't have to tell your parents.
Q: How can you spot the blind guy in a nudist colony?
A: It's not hard.
Q: How can you tell if a valentine is from a leper?
A: The tongue's still in the envelope.
Q: Why does Helen Keller need two hands to masturbate?
A: One to do the work and the other to moan with.
Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
Q: What's the difference between a JAP and a bowl of Jell-o?
A: Jell-o wiggles when you eat it.
Q: How do you save a lawyer from drowning?
A: Take your foot off his head.
Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.
Q: How come no one ever came up with any jokes about the Jonestown incident?
A: The punchlines were too long.
Q: How many Puerto Ricans does it take to grease a car?
A: Just one if you hit him right.
Q: When does a Puerto Rican become a Spaniard?
A: When he marries your daughter.
Q: What's long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night?
A: A new last name.
Q: Why don't blondes women use vibrators?
A: It chips their teeth.
Q: Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?
A: They keep falling through the holes in his hands.
Q: How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
A: They're both fun to ride but you don't want your friends to know about it.
Q: How do you make your wife scream after an orgasm?
A: Wipe your dick on the curtains.
Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love?
A: "Honey, I'm home."
Q: What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A: After 10 years the job still sucks.
Q: Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blowjob?
A: The blowjob. You can beat your wife, your eggs, or your meat; but you
just can't beat a blowjob.
Q: Why do women have two holes on the bottom?
A: So when they get drunk at a party, you can carry them home like a
six-pack.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
LEARN TO SPEAK CHINESE
Ai Bang Mai Ne = I bumped into the coffee table
Chin Tu Fat = You need a face lift
Dum Gai = A stupid person
Gun Pao Der = An ancient Chinese invention
Hu Flung Dung = Which one of you fertilized the field?
Hu Yu Hai Ding = We have reason to believe you are harboring a
fugitive
Jan Ne Ka Sun =A former late night talk show host
Kum Hia= Approach me
Lao Ze Sho= Gilligan's Island
Lao Zi =Not very active
Lin Ching =An illegal execution
Moon Lan Ding =Great achievement of the American space program
Ne Ahn =A lighting fixture used advertising
Shai Gai= A bashful person
Tai Ne Bae Be= A premature infant
Tai Ne Po Ne= A small horse
Taiwan On= Go on a drinking binge
Ten Ding Ba =Serving drinks to people
Wan Bum Lung= A person with T.B.
Yu Mai Te Tan =Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you
Wa Shing Kah= Cleaning an automobile
Wai So Dim= Are you trying to save electricity?
Wai U Shao Ting =There is no reason to raise your voice
Si-Ling Fan= A device to keep you cool
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated
conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her
attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following; "Emma come
first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come
together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more." "You
foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't
talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Imma justa tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."
Innuendo: An Italian suppository.
A Chabad Rabbi was walking, slowly, out of a Schule in New York, when a gust of wind blew
his hat off and down the street. He was an old man, who walked with the aid of a cane, and
who wasn't able to fetch his hat. Across the street, a young goy saw what was happening,
rushed over and grabbed the hat. He then returned it to the Rabbi. "I don't think I
could have retrieved my hat by myself," said the Rabbi, "Thank you very
much!" He then placed his hand on the man's shoulder and said, "May G-d bless
you." The young man thought to himself, "I've been blessed by the Rabbi, this
must be my lucky day!" He then decided to go to the Racetrack. In the first race he
noted a horse named 'Stetson' at 20 to 1. He bet $50.00, and sure enough, the horse came
in first. In the second race, a horse named 'Fedora' was at 30 to 1, so he bet all his
money on that horse. Fedora came in first as well. At the end of the day the goy returned
home to his wife. She asked him where he's been. He explained how he caught the Rabbi's
hat, and how he was blessed by him, and how he then went to the track and bet on horses
which were named after hats. "So where's the money?" she said. "I lost it
all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse named Chateau, and it lost." "You fool!
Chateau is a house; Chapeau is a hat." "It doesn't matter,"he said,
"The winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulke
An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is
closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand
one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and
maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he
decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and
falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his
bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but
he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So,
you've been out drinking again!!" "What makes you say that?" he asks as he
puts on an innocent look. "The pub called, you left your wheelchair there
again."
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course", comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you
from?" "I'm from Ireland", replies the second man. The first man responds:
"You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course", replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks:
"Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin", comes the reply. "I
can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another
drink to Dublin." "Of course", replies the second man. Curiousity again
strikes, and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint
Mary's", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62." "This is
unbelievable!" , the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in
'62, also!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?", he asks the bartender. "Nothing much,"
replies the bartender. "The O'Leary twins are drunk again."